I have to be upfront about something. A moment of transparency if you will. I don’t read a lot of “lighthearted” novels. I will sob into pieces over sad How To Train Your Dragon edits, buuttttt we’re not talking about that right now. Purely talking about books, everything on my shelf would be considered heavy material. I had this epiphany when on a call with my mother and she was wanting a light read recommendation, and she informed me that nothing in my collection would be considered “light” and fluffy. I personally believe it’s open to interpretation.

Number 1.

Jellicoe Road. This. Fucking. Book. RUINED ME. I’m not kidding. My mother begged me to read it, and I was so hesitant, because this isn’t usually the type of story to draw me in. But I read it, and I will never be the same. It purposely starts you off in what feels like the middle of the story, a lot is happening, you have no clue who anyone is, or why it keeps jumping from these characters to those characters. You feel like you’re missing a lot of context—and you ARE —but for a reason. Pieces of the puzzle are strewn throughout the whole book, and you slowly start to piece it together yourself. Once you do, that’s when the bomb is dropped on your head. It is the biggest, most crushingly painful “oh shit” moment. When that moment came, I felt the pit of my stomach drop. The despair set in. It was phenomenal, it was tragic, and had my face and eyes swollen and puffy from hours spent crying so hard people would’ve thought someone died. Guys, I’m serious, I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone, but I would tag a warning onto that recommendation that says “don’t read this book if you don’t want your heart ripped out, stomped on, then given back with the kiss of a tender lover.” Hence why this is on the top of the list.

Number 2.

Saving/Redeeming 6…. Well, really the whole series, but I’m finishing Redeeming now. Guys, Joey’s story is painful. MINOR SPOILERS (skip to number 3 if you’d like). When Joey was in the hospital after a particularly brutal beating from his father, and the doctor came in saying he showed hundreds of scars and damage to his skull from the X-rays dating all the way back to infancy, I felt like throwing up. What broke me further in this one scene alone was that the only way Joey didn’t die in that kitchen was because his 11-year-old little brother, Tadhg, had to hold a knife to the father’s throat and force the father off Joey. This story is gut-wrenching. So gut-wrenching, I can’t even bring myself to be humorous about it. We’re talking extreme physical and mental abuse, sexual trauma, miscarriage, crippling addiction, depression, and suicidal ideation/attempts. It’s rough, like, really rough. I cry a lot for Joey and Aoife. While the story is about hope, and survival, and fighting through the really bad shit to get your happy ending, Chloe Walsh sure makes her characters, and us readers, really yearn for it. Reading these books, I want that happy ending just as bad as the characters in the book do. I feel the fear that it won’t work out, and the relief when it does. I’m not ok, I’m in pain, I’m exactly where I want to be, submerged deep in the grief that is Joey Lynch.

Number 3.

Adult high fantasy, Priory of the Orange Tree. I don’t really remember this book being overly sad and depressing… OVERALL. Let me explain before y’all start thinking “what does this woman mean overall???” OVERALL, this book was very powerful; it was about redemption, breaking free of societal expectations, and living for yourself. This is one of my FAVORITE books. It’s not fast paced like I usually like, it’s not romance heavy, and it takes a bit to get to the “cream of the crop.” What it is, however, is impactful. I think about this book all the time, and the feeling of strength it left behind. Now, I understand you’re probably thinking, “Crow, this sounds amazing (maybe you aren’t thinking that but go along with it for my sake), why, oh why is this book heartbreaking?” Well, my dear friends, while this book may not necessarily end sadly, this book is filled to the brim with plot twists. Samantha Shannon very skillfully had me spinning circles with these twists, but it never felt like the surprise turns became predictable. These plot twists… they hurt, they hurt really bad. It’s high fantasy (duh), but it touches on and incorporates real-world problems. No spoilers here, don’t worry, all I will say is that I was randomly crying all throughout this book. I strongly recommend this book, but be careful, there are triggers in this book. Since it’s fantasy, it may not be as in-your-face as the Boys of Tommen series, but it’s still pretty obvious.

Number 4.

REBECCAAAAA!!!!!

No, seriously, though, I waited for this book as if my life depended on it, and then I read it when it came out. “No way, Crow! REALLY??” Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. I’m going somewhere with this. I tried really hard to not fly through this book because the release for book 4 is insanely far away (not your fault Rebecca, take your time girl, we love you), but I suddenly grew wings and found myself at the end of the book, sobbing. Sobbing hard. The end was tragic, I was angry, devastated, screaming, shitting, and throwing up. I won’t spoil anything, because this is the newest released book on this list, so I know not everyone is caught up, but lord, this one really brought the pain. I want to explain so much more, but I really have to be careful to not give anything away. I guess I can say this: at one point in this book, all it took was two words, and I was wrecked.

What are those two words?

A simple “No. Wait.” That’s all it took. The cliffhanger was cruel and devious on Mrs. Yarros side; I ate it up regardless.

(Side note, I absolutely loved Ridoc in Onyx Storm. I need more.)

Well, y’all, it was a short list this go around. These 4 books hurt me. They hurt so bad I feel masochistic, because why else would I love them so much?? Like seriously, if you ever feel like it’s been too long since you’ve had a good cry, these will do it. If you ever feel a little too unfeeling, these books will kick that shit into drive. These books have stomped on me, spit on me, made me feel whole again, and then kicked me right in the groin, and I loved them, and I would do it again.

I want to know if you guys also enjoy getting heartbroken by fictional people, or if you’re more like Birdie and prefer something lighter most times. No judgement here (ok maybe a little, but all in honest fun).

Until next time, my freaky friends.